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__I know. I know. I haven't been posting. I think I am having my own mid life crisis and am too afraid to put all of my thoughts out there. What if I'm going crazy? Do you all need to know that for sure? Well, some of you already know that, but still - better to not remove all doubt.

I never have been good at keeping my mouth shut, just ask my husband. So, here I go again. This past weekend and the coming weekend I portray the beautiful and talented Peggy Lee in a show. This is a remount of a show I did last year - about 20 pounds ago, and of course have to fit into the same costumes.  There is this certain dress. The "Fever" dress. My show stopper dress. The dress I was terrified I wouldn't be able to zip up. The dress that I thought I may look like a stuffed sausage in.

First, there are no photos so don't even ask. I would more than likely be mortified because I will fully admit I do not see what everyone else sees. I can unequivocally say I do not look like Jessica Rabbit in her red dress. I see flab there, wiggles there and bulges over there and oh I pick myself apart like you wouldn't believe. I am supposed to be perfect, and yet perfection is far from my grasp and I'm turning 50 not 20. My head knows all of this yet still I don't seem to give myself a break.

Here's the thing. The dress zipped up. I almost cried. It was tight granted, but I could move. I could sing. I wasn't uncomfortable. Here's the other thing the audience saw Peggy Lee. They loved me. In fact they loved me from the first moment I walked on stage. I could feel it. They were with me the entire show. They didn't pick me apart. Oh I am sure there were some out there that were less than kind, but I don't need to think about them. I heard the majority of the response.

In my time of performing before an audience I have had some amazing moments on stage. One time was after singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" with just the piano and me - the audience of about 900 just exploded when I finished. It was an incredible moment that I will never forget. There are others, but another one for the memory book was this past weekend. I performed "Fever" and the audience reaction was incredible. They clapped when the bass started. They clapped again when I started to sing. The snapped along the entire time. The packed house absolutely cheered and clapped for what seemed like forever when I was done. And my typical excuse when something like that happens - Oh, I had friends in the audience - it had to be them. But in this case - no. I knew no one. No one knew me. Another part of me says that they are obviously starved for entertainment, but still they loved it! It was obvious. Me, in my too tight red dress, with the flabby bits here, and the wiggles and bulges over there. Me. Not my body. Me.

Now I just need to start doing that.
 


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