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I'm sitting here this morning, about to take the dogs for their morning walk, looking outside at my office window at the grass that desperately needs to be mowed and a garden that needs someone with some imagination and brawn (clearly not me). I have a whack of work that I need to finish today and yet I feel so content, so at peace.

I was trying to figure out why. Is it because I've been taking my Black Cohash again? Any woman over 40 should know what I mean by that. That is a possibility. But I think it's not all. Although, trust me that stuff is like gold to me.

Life is far from perfect. My husband still annoys me to no end half of the time, there are still way too many animals in my house, so much work to do, not enough money in the bank and yet ...

Over the past few years I have changed. A lot. It really started almost twenty years ago. Coming clean with my past - letting the chips fall where they may. Ending a bad relationship and the decades long pain and suffering those particular choices brought along with them. Those choices aided in losing my paternal family, my married family, my church family, most so called friends, everything I owned, and my marriage. I was as alone as alone could be. But, I had stood up for myself for the first time in my life. The freedom that brought was huge. But the pain and loneliness soon took hold and dragged me to the bottom. I had despair that I thought would never leave. I lost my spark. I lost my ability to laugh. I lost my soul. I felt abandoned by everyone, by God and by those that I thought loved me, but in reality didn't. Would I change it? No. As awful as it was, I wouldn't. Because through that I have found myself. My real me.

Turning 50 is really an amazing journey. You get to a point that you don't give a rip what anyone says anymore. You're going to do what you do. You're going to take care of you and the people that you love, but you're going to take care of you.

I've come such a long way and I am so thankful for that. Losing the people from my past has been the best thing for me. People that are in your past are not in your present for a reason. I am truly free. There is no toxicity in my life. My friends are real friends. I have acquaintances and I enjoy their friendship. But I have those that I care about deeply and we are there for each other in a heartbeat. They are my true friends. My family is small. Very small. And that's the way I want it.

I am acting again. I am singing again. I'm writing again. I may be old. I may be well past my prime, but I still have a lot to offer.

I am taking care of my body. News flash - I've lost 10lbs! I joined SparkPeople and it is the best for me! I'm logging my food and liking it! Yes, you need to re read that. I am logging my food and actually liking it. SparkPeople has an amazing way of taking the focus off of calories and on to your health if you let it. So I worry more about a balanced day rather than how many calories I am eating. I eat the way I always eat - just not like a lumber jack (which I always said was the problem). That's it. No dieting - God no. Just eating healthy and within a healthy calorie range. I've even figured out how to make it work during birthdays and Easter. Have I actually "figured it out" for real????? God I hope so.

I can feel at peace knowing that God knows my heart and why I did what I did two decades ago. God knows the truth and that's enough for me. I've stopped fighting. I know there are those out there who have gotten away with their 'deeds' so to speak and the abundance of lies or at least it felt like that to me. I had this feeling of being unheard. So many lies said about me that I thought no one knew the real truth. It was like no one cared. People who would brush it aside or say, So? Just forgive Cayla and forget. That irritated me to no end and still does. People are so naive when they say that. Then one day recently a thought came to me - I know that God is the biggest and best prosecutor there ever could be and that it's OK for me to just let it go. I don't need to hang on to my old life any more. For the first time in my life I am truly free.

Why my life has taken the twists and turns that it has I will never know. My plans are not God's plans that's for sure. But I have learned so much and I am who I am because of it. And when I was alone, God was always there with me. It may have been a still small voice, but he was there.

So here I sit surrounded by life and I am happy and content. Why? Because life is so good. I am surrounded by those I truly love. I'm doing what I was created to do, wherever that may lead. I've found some balance. I take time for myself and to spend it with my friends. I'm continuing to grow as a person. And I'm turning 50!!!

Yes life is good.

 


Comments

Deborah Michalski
04/24/2012 2:22am

This was exhilarating So proud of you and moved, no,...kicked by your guts and sense of truth being most valuable
Thank you xo I honor this and you

Reply
04/29/2012 12:25pm

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