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I'm not going to tell any of you whether I own or wear a thong, but I will say this I don't have any ambition of looking like a Sumo Wrestler while wearing one ... that is if I owned one ... or took it out of the drawer ... I'm not telling.

I love food. I think that's pretty apparent by now. (To all two of you) And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I love food and I'm proud. That's me. That's who I am. I get enjoyment from cooking for others, from celebrating with food, from sitting around the table with my family and devouring a great meal. Why would I want to take that from me? I don't. And that's that.

I also love real food. I am going to fight to the end the whole diet thing. At my age the thought of deprivation isn't that appealing. To be honest, is deprivation appealing at any age? Not really. I don't want to cut entire food groups. Now don't get me wrong - this is about me and not a judgement of anyone who is reading this. If you have to cut out food groups because of allergies or a chosen lifestyle - all power to you. I don't have any allergies that I know of or that affect me greatly so I'm eating it all. I don't want to never have another piece of cake or homemade apple pie again. That is not living for me. I don't want to live on Tofu or grains I've never heard of. I do want to eat good real food that feeds my body and has flavour. Lots of flavour. I like flavour. I like food from all around the world. Italian. Greek. Japanese. Chinese. French (ooh la la). Indian. The list goes on and on. So let it be said - I love food.

This week has been an interesting week for me. This particular 9 month challenge has me looking at myself more closely than I would normally. And you should know, I do not know what my next 'change' is going to be from week to week. I don't have it mapped out. It appears at some point during the week almost as if saying "This is the next one Cayla." I mull over it for a few days until I feel that it is the one for me and then post it here. What am I to do when nothing happens? I haven't got there yet. Maybe I'll be perfect by then. Ha ha ha ha. I honestly don't know. I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it. My goal though is to be true to me. Not what society thinks I should do, but me.

Last week, if you read my last post, I had a Julie/Julia party. I had such a great time with my girlfriends. I loved it. I was standing there at 1:00am washing wine glasses with this total feeling of peace and contentment. I hate doing dishes,but not that night. I had taken the time to spend it with my friends. I had some girl time. I had done something that was totally me. It felt good. I was in a great place. Then I saw some of the pictures. I was mortified with how I looked. I didn't want to post some of them. All of my friends are thin, and then there is me - Amazon woman. I couldn't believe how big I had become since May. That was at the beginning of the week. I posted the pictures anyways. Saying to myself, this is me. This is who I am right now. But internally I struggled. Then I had an epiphany. My friends, my real friends, think I am beautiful. The way that I am. Right now. Extra lard and all. I was not seeing what they saw. I had a distorted view of myself. They saw their friend. I saw fat. Ego. That is all that is. Ego. I have to look a certain way or I don't somehow matter? Ego. At 49 years old, I'm still learning. I have a big Ego. The big ego that stops me from auditioning for a role because I'm too fat. The big ego that stops me from going to a party or seeing a friend who when they saw me the last time I was thinner. Ego. Not living my life to the fullest. Ego. That has to stop. I finally saw it for what it was. It was my own doing. My own thinking. My own internal dialogue. Done with it... or at least trying.

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Gillian McKeith - not her finest moment
My friend sent me an e-mail today that made me laugh out loud. I don't believe she reads my blog so that made it even funnier.

The first picture is of Gillian McKeith. Gillain is a well known advocate for a vegan/organic and holistic lifestyle. Complete with cleanses etc.  She is 51.

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Nigella Lawson - Gorgeous
This is Nigella Lawson. She too is 51. A real woman who eats real food. Butter. Bread. Meat. She is an "hourglass figure with an extra 20 minutes thrown in for good measure". I lover her.

Nigella doesn't eat Ramen noodles. She doesn't eat packaged food. She eats real food. Good food. It shows. She's not deprived. She's healthy and beautiful.  Works for me. I'm sure she wont be found running around in a bikini any time soon. She doesn't look incredibly muscular. But she's drop dead gorgeous isn't she? She is obviously fine with who she is. Suddenly I feel better about myself.

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This is who I am.
This is me and the picture that mortified me. Since writing this blog I have gained 15 lbs. Fifteen lbs in six weeks! Crazy. That's not counting the ten the two months prior. Now lets be honest here in the last two weeks there was Thanksgiving dinner and then Julia Child night that had more butter in it than I usually have in month. But still fifteen pounds! I actually laughed when I weighed myself. What could be the issue? What has changed? I'm moving more. I'm drinking more water. I cut out the cream in my coffee.

Aha! During the budget challenge I ate way more beans and legumes than normal. They are very calorie dense. I stopped eating lean meats three times a week for a vegetarian/legumes protein rich meal. Also, during the budget challenge I continued to purchase organic yogurt but bought larger tubs as they were less expensive. The only thing is the larger tubs only come in full fat varieties and not the lower fat. So my regular diet has changed substantially because of the budgeting. And I'm still budgeting. Oh dear. Something to ponder. And ponder I will.

No change will happen until you make a change. An extra 15 lb wasn't exactly the change that I was hoping for, but it's OK. I'm here for the long haul and this is a process.

There is one change required that is glaringly apparent to me. You see I have an inner Sumo Wrestler inside me. Her name is Chikaze which means 'crazy chick' in English. My alter ego eats like there is no tomorrow. She is in training for her matches and looks awesome in a diaper, actually that is an awful visual and I should strike that. I can however eat any man under the table particularly at dinner. I just don't have the metabolism to go with it. Let's face it. I come from a family of obese people. It is in my genes. There are things that I do to add to my plumpness, these are not excuses trust me, but my naturally thin friends and family can eat without the huge fluctuations in weight - not me. This is a truth for me and I just need to accept it. My other truth is I do not want to live in a gym. I do not want to weight train as if I was a real wrestler. But really do I need to eat like the Big Show?. There are no men who read this blog so that statement isn't going to come off as cool as it actually is. So what is this Chikaze to do?

Week 7 - Stop feeding my inner Sumo

My challenge this week is to eat like a normal person. A woman who is 5'8". Not a bird. Not a diet. Not deprived. But normal. A serving. There is nobody who is going to come to my fridge and steal my food. I will be able to sit down and eat at the next meal. As a matter of fact I can make myself something to eat any time I am hungry - except the evening munchies as that is change number 6. I won't deprive myself of a thing so I need to let that fear go. Eat a normal portion. Eat it slowly and enjoy it (week 4 don't eat like a lunatic) and move on... and move on with purpose (week 1's change)

There I said it. Portion control. My most dreaded two words.

After all that I'm hungry ... time for lunch.

 


Wendy
10/25/2011 7:30pm

Hello Cayla, my gorgeous friend!

Hurrah for portion control!
I've probably said this before 'cause I know it's true - I know you can do whatever you put your mind to.
Let me know if you come up with any tricks for not eating chocolate in bed. It's my favorite late night snack and I know it's not 'right' but I do love it.
Cheers!
Wendy

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Julie
10/26/2011 8:26pm

Beautiful insight from a beautiful woman :)

Isn't 49 a great age to be?!

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Chikazi The Crazy Chick
10/26/2011 10:10pm

Hurrah for portion control. (Tonight proved to be tough btw. Portion control and hormones don't mix)

Now on to more important things - The main way to not eat chocolate while lounging in the boudoir is to have a personal goal of consuming all chocolate within the household by 6:00pm. This makes it too late to go out and get some more (especially where you live). That way you refrain from snacking while horizontal, BUT have plenty of time to purchase more the next day.

And Julie. Thank you. I'll have to get back to you on the whole 49 thing. You'd think we would have figured it out and all by now, but nooooo....we have to keep growing. Geesh.

Chikazi

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Wendy
10/31/2011 10:17pm

So funny! I should have read this a little earlier.
I grabbed my laptop, water and a few chunks of chocolate to come catch up on what you've been doing. It's 11pm and I rarely run out of chocolate. My sweet hubby brings it home. I can't ask him to stop can I? That might hurt his feelings... or something.
OK, I am an addict, just the thought of giving it up is making me reach for another square. I'm sure you've got something there though, I can eat the rest tomorrow by dinner and save myself later on. I'll give it a go and let you know. (Hey that rhymes)

Goodnight

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